What is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation is a strategy employed by a parent, either intentionally or unintentionally, to damage the relationship between the target parent and the child. While not always categorized as abuse, parental alienation nonetheless causes relational harm, primarily to the target parent, often resulting in long-lasting emotional effects. With this in mind, parents need to be vigilant when dealing with issues of parental alienation, keeping an eye toward the best interests of their children while guarding their own emotional health.
Defining parental alienation According to Oxford Languages, to alienate is: To transfer property to another -to cause someone to feel isolated or estranged. Research by William Bernet, Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry at Vanderbilt University Medical School, Executive Director for the Parental Alienation Study Group, and a founding Board Member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, found: A common characteristic of parental alienation is that the child or the alienating parent tries to do two things: First, they seek to destroy the affection and love that the child has for the target parent. Second, they seek to make the child feel guilty for wanting to have a loving relationship with the target parent. Signs of parental alienation in the child As a target parent, it is essential to understand the main signs of parental alienation in the child. This knowledge allows the parent to:
Signs of parental alienation in the target parent The target parent may also show signs of parental alienation. Knowing this could help the parent avoid any sinful/irrational response to his/her child’s behavior. Some common signs of parental alienation include: A target parent who exhibits signs of depression and anxiety requires immediate professional intervention. Failure to do so will worsen the situation.
What does parental alienation look like? Let’s say that a father seeks custody of his three children after the divorce. His ex-wife sets up a parenting plan with a 50-50 split, but she continues to disparage him in front of the children, heightening their anxiety about spending time with him. The father begins to notice that when the children return from spending time with their mother, they exhibit significant signs of distress—headaches, stomach aches, irrational fears, sadness, and so on. He knows he is a good father, and has done nothing to deserve this treatment.
He also notices that when the children spend time with other family members, they are bright, happy, and anxiety-free. They laugh, play games, and have a good time. But when they return home early, due to a sudden onset of "illness," they revert to their sad selves. His heart is broken, and he cannot understand why.
The following week, their mother is supposed to have her weekend with the kids, and so the father asks them when she is coming to pick them up .
"Dad, we are sick. We can’t go."
"Why? Is it your tummy again?"
"No, we just know that Mommy is sad when we go. We don’t want her to be sad."
"Children, mommy is forced by the law to share parenting time with me. She will often be sad because she doesn’t want to, and it has nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong."
"But Mom cries sometimes."
"That’s okay. Adults cry. It is normal."
They sit in silence, and the father knows that whatever he says is going to bug his children further. The deep worry is that they won’t want to go.
Intervening in cases of parental alienation In the example above, the target parent didn’t want to take action because he was concerned that he would make the situation worse. He feared being seen as the "bad guy," and feared his children would become even more upset with him—not understanding that his duty was to teach his children rational responses, regardless of their moods.
Imposing consequences for a parent who is engaging in parental alienation is difficult to do, but it is therefore essential that the court make findings when: The goal is always to reunite the child with the targeted parent. The range of interventions courts can choose from includes, but is not limited to: It is imperative, however, that the judge impose readjustment therapy as a part of the rehabilitation process. Readjustment therapy is a specific, targeted approach that aims to heal the bond between the alienated parent and the child. Such therapy begins slowly and gently, involving little physical or visual contact between the alienated parent and the child in the first few sessions. As the child feels more comfortable and at ease, the therapist may begin to introduce elements of the target parent’s home life, including photographs, books, or toys. Over a period of weeks or even months, the therapist will slowly add more contact with the child’s parent, until the child is spending all of his or her time with the target parent. Only then is the treatment designed to fall away.
Using a Minnesota custody attorney to prove and combat parental alienation Target parents must be discerning and recognize the signs of parental alienation in their children. They must also avoid engaging in retaliation, which can make matters worse. Instead, they need to find a certified parenting coordinator, collaborative lawyer, or divorce coach who can help understand what is happening. Once the target parent has a firm grasp on the situation, he or she should talk to a skilled Minnesota custody attorney who will be able to explain how to document alienating behaviors so they can be addressed in court. In a high-conflict parenting case, these professionals can even provide testimony and submit reports, ensuring the alienating behavior is brought to the attention of the court.
Proving Alienation
Once you have identified alienating behaviors, it is important to begin the process of gathering evidence well in advance of trial. Keep careful records of all interactions you have with the alienating parent that involve alienating behaviors. This includes things like emails, text messages, phone call logs, and even social media messages.
If you have actual documents, such as emails or text messages that you believe demonstrate alienating behavior, make sure to keep them organized and store them in a safe place (or your attorney’s server) and be prepared to print them and compile them into an organized notebook with supporting explanations.
Witnesses can also be supportive in this process, provided that they have first-hand knowledge of what is occurring. Depending on how alienation has played out, there may be witnesses that have witnessed the alienation or heard it directly from the alienating parent or alienated child’s mouth, or are simply able to support your position that the child needs to spend more time with you. It is best to obtain witness statements that include the date of the action, rather than just a general observation of how "bad" it has been.
Photos or video recordings may be used to establish a pattern of behavior, but many judges will reject this type of evidence as being too prejudicial to allow, so use caution when deciding whether to introduce it.
Even if some evidence may not have an impact on the court’s decision, having the information at your disposal may help your attorney better craft a trial strategy, and create detailed questions and arguments that may prove to be beneficial to your case as a whole. Additionally, a thorough record may help facilitate a settlement.
The Statutory and Court System
Within the Canadian criminal legal framework in which a parent may allege a criminally motivated parental alienation case to support an application under Hague Convention on International Child Abduction, the definition of parental alienation has never been codified.
Current criminal case law has adopted the following definition of parental alienation as it has been laid out by the Honorable Judge Lander in Nystevik and Nystevik 2012 ONSC 2806 (CanLii) at paragraph 23: "The parent alienates when he or she poisons the child against the other, the targeted parent, either through malicious act or words." Canadian criminal case law recognizes the term as referring to the "process by which one parent attempts to disregard or destroy the parental relationship between the child and the targeted parent." In practical terms, this can lead to a "parental bond with one parent being rejected or destroyed by the child as a result of the parent’s conscious or unconscious actions." In 2010, the Alberta Court of Queen’s Bench recognized "the term domestic parental abduction as ‘referred to the alienation and estrangement that can be caused by one parent to another before or thereafter" (Niemenen v. Nienemen[2010] A.W.L.D. 1598, 2010 ABQB 404).
The most notable Canadian Hague cases where international child abduction was motivated by parental alienation are Nystevik, Vasilich and Visualization/Impression Etalon usages. In criminal law, a common test to analyze and diagnose parental alienation is Cultural Integration/Estonian Psychological Association Psychological Evaluation of the Family Test "PIKA". When assessing a case of parental alienation, PIKA test seeks to answer the question of whether or not "the relationship between the parent and the child is based on natural, biologically conditioned attachment (bond) or it is a social-psychological affiliation (bond) caused by the problematic parenting". The test exposes the significant factors that create a fracture in the bond between the child and the unlawfully removed parent. To start off, each person must answer a series of 100 questions out of which, only 32 sub-items are utilized to calculate the PIKA score. The questions are spread through 4 dimensions of the parental attachment. The intent is to understand and diagnose the frustration of the original bond between the child and the parent, which will contribute to a profound study and understanding of the social and psychological risks caused by the acts of abduction. When utilizing PIKA, one of the final questions asks about the specific risks caused by the disruption in the bond between the child and the abducted parent. The question seeks to establish the risk of "experiencing the risk of psychic trauma due to the disruption of the bond".
Newly created Canadian international family law case law continues to receive worldwide recognition. When such cases are analyzed, Canadian courts provide that Hague cases are analyzed under the same rules as cases where the underlying issue is custody and/or access. These are adjudicated as a matter of domestic law based on section 11 of the Children’s Law Reform Act which identifies fundamental principles that are to be considered in any custody and/or access proceedings. Moreover, the ultimate consideration when adjudicating a matter of custody and/or access is the best interest of the child under section 24 of the CLRA. Sections 17, 20 and 23 of the CLRA codify the principle that considering the relationship between the parent and the child in adjudicating custody and/or access issues is relevant to make the order which is in the best interest of the child. Adding to this principle is section 9 of the CLRA which codifies a broad definition of a child’s best interest, as including "the child’s physical, emotional and psychological safety, moral upbringing and fostering of the native culture."
Finding the Right Lawyer
The selection of the right family law lawyer may be one of the more important decisions you make in your parental alienation case. This is particularly true where parental alienation is involved. While it is important to select a lawyer whom you like and with whom you feel comfortable, it is equally important that your lawyer has experience in this area of the law. Cases involving parental alienation are very emotional and complex. You need a lawyer who will take the time to represent you and your child’s best interests. Your attorney must not only be experienced in court, but in settlement negotiations and trial strategy.
Every case is different, and the strategy developed for each may not fit every case. Your lawyer should work with you to determine the best strategy for your case, and work to achieve that end as effectively as possible. Parents are assured of being their child’s most vocal advocate and someone who can be fully trusted to provide what is needed to protect that child. That said, many attorney’s could also be considered a child’s ally – one who knows how to best approach a case so that the child’s interests are placed first.
When negotiating, it’s important to have an attorney who doesn’t become too emotionally involved in the case – this may lead to strategies that become personal, rather than focused on your child’s needs. Remember: while the attorney is working for you, their greatest responsibility is to the best interest of your child. Successful negotiations may involve some compromise on both sides. Not all cases go to trial. The choice to litigate or settle will depend on what it takes to reach a resolution that is in the best interests of your child.
The experience required may also depend on the age of the children involved. For young children, litigation is always a last resort if at all. Generally, the parent has a greater influence on their child’s life and the vice-versa with older children. In other words, the older the child, the more influence that child will have in the proceedings. Regardless of age, counsel experienced in parental alienation cases can help parents plan and communicate important information effectively in order to protect the best interests of their children.
Strategic Approach to Court
When it comes to combatting the effects of Parental Alienation, there are two strategies that can be applied in a courtroom setting: the aggressive approach and the cooperative approach. While neither of these approaches will guarantee victory, either can be effective if applied properly.
Applying an aggressive approach means that the victim of Parental Alienation is determined to prove that the other parent is "poisoning the well" and turning the child away from him or her. The aggressive strategy often involves calling into question the motives of the parent who is actively working to alienate the child. It also often attacks the credibility of that parent in front of the judge and the court. An aggressive strategy is necessarily combative, which tends to limit its effectiveness in the courtroom. It’s important to remember that judges are not always receptive to aggressive or combative tactics. As a result, an aggressive strategy may prove futile.
On the other hand, a cooperative strategy may be used to heal and/or mitigate the damage caused by Parental Alienation. A cooperative strategy may involve involving a court-appointed therapist or special advocate, engaging in family therapy, or working to assist the child develop the skills needed to reunite with the alienated parent. An aggressive approach is effective at confronting the other parent’s attempts to alienate the child, but may backfire as soon as the judge senses that the victim of Parental Alienation is more interested in picking a fight than in working together to resolve the issue. In many cases, it makes more sense to be cooperative and to do what it takes to find a constructive resolution for the problem is a much more effective approach . While both approaches are effective in some cases, the victim of Parental Alienation should consult an attorney to determine which approach is better suited to the case. The attorney may suggest that the victim adopt one strategy for some courtroom appearances and the other strategy for others.
In cases where the victim of Parental Alienation is not the party that initiated the divorce, it is highly likely that the alienating parent will assert counterclaims against his or her former spouse. One of the most common counterclaims involves accusing the victim of alienating the child against the other parent. If an accusation of this type is made, the victim must respond by talking to the judge and the attorney about how the behavior of the other parent suggests that he or she is the one who is attempting to alienate the child.
It is important to keep a clear differentiated picture of the facts of the case in mind and not to become angry over the other parent’s allegations. The victim of Parental Alienation should avoid launching an attack at the other parent. Instead, it’s best to stick to the facts and calmly explain why the accusations have no basis in fact.
Whether you are engaged in mediation, litigation or private negotiations, it is vital that you work closely with your attorney to determine the best possible approach in each case. While it is often advisable to engage in cooperative strategies, sometimes it is necessary to take an aggressive approach to this type of family law matter. Ultimately, you should choose the approach that you believe is in your child’s best interests.
Decrees and Orders that Stand the Test of Time
When parents cannot or will not voluntarily engage in a plan to unite the child with the alienated parent, courts can issue orders that address the problem. People often hear these called "remedial" orders.
Often the first response of a judge confronted with complaints about parental alienation is to appoint a forensic psychologist to evaluate the situation. If the result is a recommendation for treatment, judges often go along. In some jurisdictions, this is done through a special program which gives judges the tools to order mental health providers, and monitor their treatment protocols.
Remedial orders are usually made permanent by a more formal modification to the Court’s orders of custody, parenting time, decision making, or residential responsibility. What usually emerges is an order in response to a request for therapy requiring the parents to get on the same page as to their parenting time and what is in the best interests of the children. At that point, if the problem continues, sometimes additional parenting time is ordered as a remedy for the alienation. Sometimes there is a change in primary parenting status. There are judges who have granted a forensic expert joint legal decision making status. Because there is forensic authority and other factors to back the authority, these decisions stand up pretty well.
Judges have also ordered simultaneous parenting time, where the child spends a portion of his/her time with both parents, or a plan that provides for better transition time.
ISPCC evaluation to determine what is in the best interests of the child has been done. In some jurisdictions, the ISPCC doing the evaluation can even be given custody to effectuate the best interests of the child.
In extreme cases, there are cases where a child literally says, I don’t want to live with or see this parent anymore. Some judges have at least temporarily granted the child’s wish.
When the matter goes to trial, "alienation" can be considered as part of the best interests of the child decision. Under the statute, upon finding, by a preponderance of evidence sufficient credible evidence, that one party has willfully alienated the children from the other parent, or that a child has been willfully alienated from a parent, the court may: (1) provide for compensatory time-sharing or mediation time for the targeted parent to remediate the effects of the alienation with the child; (2) grant the targeted parent sole legal custody so long as abuse has not occurred, provided that the court finds such an award will not be adverse to the best interests of the child; (3) modify any other provision of the custody order where such modification is deemed to be in the best interests of the child; or (4) make any award of compensatory time-sharing or implement any order or judgment where abuse has occurred so long as such award or order is deemed to be in the best interests of the child.
Addresses Emotions and Psychology
The toll of parental alienation on children can be devastating. Bonding disruption can lead to personality disorders such as anxiety, depression, borderline and antisocial traits, distrust of authority figures, aggression, inability to endure separation without tantrums, cynicism, emotional unavailability, lack of empathy, and substance abuse. Parents who are subjected to parental alienation are faced with losing the love, connection and ongoing relationship with their child. For many parents, children are everything; the loss is so great, that they become inconsolable. They struggle to maintain normal routines, their work is affected and they frequently suffer from depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. Counseling and support services are recommended both during and after litigation. Counseling provides the opportunity for parents and children to process the loss of the relationship, confront the emotions caused by the alienation process, and learn the skills necessary to move forward and heal from the trauma. Support services such as Parenting Coordination also play an important role in assisting parents in developing strategies to minimize conflict and communication between parents so that they may co-parent in a safe, non-threatening environment. Counseling and support services are an important aspect to the resolution of parental alienation and should be considered at every stage of litigation.
Future Prevention
The prevention of parental alienation requires action by both the custodial parent and the non-custodial parent. Both parents need to understand the causes of parental alienation, have the determination to avoid them, and put into place the appropriate strategies. In order for a parent to protect themselves from the damaging effects of parental alienation, experience has shown the following steps are often necessary: In addition to these strategies, for the parent suffering the effects of parental alienation, it is critical to reach out for help early on. Take advantage of therapy, support groups, mental health professionals knowledgeable in the area of parental alienation, medical doctors who are able and willing to listen, spiritual or religious leaders, and attorneys and other professionals who have direct experience in dealing with family law litigation, custody disputes, and parental alienation. In addition to these strategies , knowledge and early intervention are key to combatting or minimizing the damage that can result from parental alienation. For the parent who believes that he or she is being alienated from their children, keep your eyes open to any early signs that your children may be getting the wrong impression about you. For example, if you are receiving reports from the child’s teachers, day care givers, or other adults who interact with the child that the child is stating or exhibiting potential signs of alienation from you, act on those signs immediately. Listen to your gut feelings and, if you believe that your child loves you one minute and is giving you the cold shoulder the next, recognize that the child may be acting out as a result of the influence his or her other parent or someone close to the child may be having on the child. Take these early warning signs seriously. It is common for parents to "wish away" alienation rather than proactively addressing it. Do not wait until your children are "brainwashed" by the other parent.